When Fiction Meets Reality

This one's a little bit dated -- sorry -- but last week Maureen Dowd chose to address the question on every American's mind: OMG, if a fictional Democratic president from a popular TV show could have a conversation with the non-fictional Democratic nominee for president, what would they talk about?

She even enlisted Aaron Sorkin to write it. Which is actually kind of funny, that a woman who considers herself a trailblazer for female op-ed columnists, and who wrote this book, got her ex-boyfriend to write her column.

Helpfully, in the middle of this column, Dowd/Sorkin points out (twice!) that Bartlet's solutions don't really apply, because he's a fictional president:

...

BARTLET A huge number of Americans thought I thought I was superior to them.

OBAMA And?

BARTLET I was.

OBAMA I mean, how did you overcome that?

BARTLET I won’t lie to you, being fictional was a big advantage.

...

OBAMA How did you do it?

BARTLET Well, I say I’m sorry a lot.

OBAMA I don’t mean your marriage, sir. I mean how did you get America on your side?

BARTLET There again, I didn’t have to be president of America, I just had to be president of the people who watched “The West Wing.”

...

So if a fictional character arc can't give us advice for real life, then, um, what's the point of this conversation? Dowd's entire raison d'etre is publishing fluff to keep her readers' attention. At first, this struck me as juvenile. But then I realized that this blog has only two readers (the contributors) and I started to wonder: what would Dowd and Sorkin's conversation about this column have looked like IF POPEYE THE SAILOR WERE INVOLVED? Huh? Huh?

(AARON SORKIN walks furiously down a hall in his studio. POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN is walking furiously on his left. MAUREEN DOWD, the popular columnist, catches up to them and walks furiously on Sorkin's right.)

DOWD We need to talk about the column I asked you about.

SORKIN Right, the column you asked me about.

DOWD You forgot to write it, didn't you?

SORKIN No I didn't.

DOWD Great!

SORKIN Except there's just one thing --

DOWD What?

SORKIN That column?

DOWD Yes?

SORKIN I forgot to write it.

DOWD (exasperated) Oh, Jesus. Popeye, what should I do?

POPEYE Well, I'd eat me spinach and go save me Olive. But I yam just a fictional character, and that's all that I yam.

SORKIN Look, we'll just write something with Bartlet talking to Obama.

DOWD Bartlet?

SORKIN Yes. Talking to Obama.

DOWD Obama?

SORKIN Obama.

DOWD Talking to Bartlet?

SORKIN Yes. Popeye, what do you think?

POPEYE I can't stands it no more.