In The Future Every Writer Will Be Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck is mad that his brilliant Elmo metaphor didn't make the financial crisis clear enough to everyone that it would be solved by now. So, using the magic of his scrambled brains, he's traveled to the future to see what the results of this ignorance will be.

Like, for serious.

Happy 300th Birthday!

Holy crap I'm old!

It's 2076 and we've just invented the time-fax machine.

Congratulations. Though wouldn't time e-mail be a little more useful? Or even just time mail? Do people still use fax machines in 2076? Is this a fax? How am I getting it? If you dial the wrong number on the time fax machine do I pick up the phone and hear that horrible explosion of beeps and boops?

(Actually, "we" didn't invent the time-fax machine,

You liar! Why did you tell me that you did. I have half a mind not to believe that you're actually faxing me from the future.

the State did -- they pretty much control everything now.)

Michael Ian Black and company? Do they rule with an iron fist constructed out of detached hipster irony? No? Oh. Dystopian. Got it. Delicious.

I'm faxing this

Seriously? You're still gonna go with faxing here? Not like projecting a hologram or something? Faxing? Okay. Alright.

back to you in 2008 because that seems to be the year we had the best chance to reverse our course and get back to the vision laid out by our founding fathers

Sweet. Of course, you know, might not have hurt to fax us in, say, 2006 or 2007 and give us a bit of time to prepare for this momentous year. October seems a little late to me. What do I know. Maybe it's really expensive to send a time fax more than 68 years into the past.

-- a vision that didn't include the government being in the insurance business.

Right. Because that was the primary causes belli behind the American revolution. Insurance. Remember the 8th amendment? "The government shall stay out of the insurance business under all circumstances." No wait, that was cruel and unusual punishment. I always get them confused.

I don't have a lot of time (the State only gives us one 30-minute break per day)

How long does it take to send a time fax? Also, I'm sorry, but I keep imagining a world ruled by Michael Ian Black, and it horrifies me.

so let me give you some advice: Stop worrying so much about who runs the country and start worrying about who runs your towns, your states, and your Congress.

Okay. Although, your problem seems to be with centralized government, not some crazy mayor or governor. Also, how is the congress different than who runs the country? Has there been a change in the structure of government. Is it actually a Michael Ian Black tyranny. Does he force you to laugh at his VH1 "I love the 2050's" specials?

I know you're all distracted by the presidential election,

Distracted from what?

but for all the money and time poured into it, the truth is that you're choosing between two roads that will lead you to the same destination.

So not only do you get the sweet time fax machine but you can see into alternate futures as well? Nice. Is there any combinations of possible actions that would end with me having sex with Jessica Biel while Alfred Molina watches? Because I would really like to know if such a combination exists.

Sure, one may be the Autobahn and the other a two-lane highway, but you'll end up at the same place either way.

That seems kind of important actually, how long it will take to get to the place. If it is a good place I want to get there fast. If it is a bad place I'd like to take the scenic route.

Decades of Republicans and Democrats alike have all chipped in to lead you to where you are today.

Inwood?

Believing that one person, from either party, can change that by themselves is a big mistake.

Yeah. If the last 8 years have taught us anything it's that one man cannot make a difference. One man can bring neither glory or disaster.

Presidents are like captains of a large ship: They can map out a course and shout out orders, but without the trust and hard work of the people who actually move the rudders, their commands mean nothing.

Future Glenn Beck you are a master of metaphor. Only, I'm not sure that big ships have actual people moving the rudder at this point. I kind of think most of that stuff is automated. Maybe in the future it's not.

In retrospect, the lack of trust and confidence you now have in your leaders was really the root cause of everything that's happened since.

Do you know David Brooks?

While our founding fathers designed a brilliant system of checks and balances, separation of powers and democratic elections, trust was the one thing they couldn't mandate in the Constitution.

What about love? Could they make us love them?

Looking back now, it's pretty obvious that our trust in government declined at about the same rate as our partisanship increased. People became so concerned about getting their party into power at any cost that the truth didn't even seem to matter anymore.

On the contrary. FAIR AND BALANCED. FAIR AND BALANCED

That's probably one of the reasons why George Washington hated the idea of political parties so much. Here's what he said about them in his 1796 farewell speech:

"The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and miseries which result gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of public liberty."

Incredibly prescient! It's almost like George Washington is time faxing us from the past!

I know that George had a habit for using big words, so allow me to translate into 2008 English: Political parties that put their own success over that of the country's will be the death of America.

Sorry Glenn, but your 2008 English translation program must be on the fritz, because what you just said is a vast oversimplification of what George Washington was actually saying. Fortunately for you Washington's statement stands on its own and doesn't need translation.

If you don't believe him yet, just wait a few more years...you're about to see firsthand how right he was.

I hope the answer is "Not very."

After all, if power corrupts, then the kind of absolute power gained by political parties (and feared by Washington) corrupts absolutely.

First of all, "If power corrupts then the kind of absolute power gained by political parties corrupts absolutely" is not a logically sound statement. It's only true if power corrupts in proportion to its absoluteness. Also, umm, the kind of absolute power gained by political parties is not absolute at all. Fortunately we don't need them to have absolute power or be absolutely corrupt to bring ruin on us.

Question: Why the conditional statement? You're from the future. You know what happens.

The best advice I can give you is to stop thinking in terms of left and right and start thinking in terms of right and wrong.

The best advice you can give us is a meaningless platitude? Seriously? Umm can I get a time fax from the future Dear Abbey, because you suck at this whole advice thing.

Demand the best leaders possible, and then demand the best out of them.

Thanks. Is there lead paint in the future or have you eaten it all?

Believe me, when you see what's coming your way, you'll realize how little the donkey and the elephant really ever mattered.

What about the libertarians? The green party? The whigs? Any of them matter? What does matter then, besides the bland "Demand the best of the best" advice?

Oh and while we're on politics, one quick thing that I'm sure you're curious about:

Has there been another world war? How did the whole global warming thing turn out? Who are the major economic and military world powers? Have we reached Mars yet?

Yes, Robert Byrd is still in the Senate. He's 159, but doesn't look a day over 91.

Taking pot shots at Robert Byrd. That's what matters. Not partisan politics. Not who is going to be our next president. Nope. It's all about personal insults against old people. On the plus side, I guess we just learned that life expectancy is much greater (at least for a few) in the future. That's good.

Now, let's talk about the economy.

A'ight

Let me see if I have this right: Money and power made people greedy, so you decided to hand over a bunch of money and power to greedy politicians instead.

No you don't. People are naturally greedy and so they decided to pursue money and power at great risk, failed, were bit in the ass, and we had to surrender money and power to the politicians in a last ditch effort to prevent the rest of us from getting swamped by the tidal wave of bad debt the greedy people created. Also, it wasn't really our decision, 'cause the country's a Republic.

Smart!

Future sarcasm. Nasty.

After using that money to nationalize a bunch of banks, mortgage companies and insurance companies, they moved on to bigger things.

What could be bigger than the insurance companies? The founding fathers specifically warned against the government owning one in the sixth amendment. Oh wait. That's speedy trial. Darn.

The airlines came first -- we just couldn't live without them. Then it was the automakers (Detroit would've died), health care (they said they could manage it better), and eventually, the oil companies (I'm not sure where all of those "windfall profits" have gone).

That's a lot of bang for our 700 billion bucks. Looks like the socialized health care thing worked out well though, since Robert Byrd is over 150 years old and still well enough to be in the senate. Strom Thurmond only made it to 135.

The idea behind it all (an idea that was eventually turned into law with the passage of the Securities Exchange Act of 2011)

How do you turn an idea into a law? Seriously. How? you can base a law on an idea, but you can't take an idea and make it law.

was to "socialize losses" by spreading them out among all taxpayers. The pain, our leaders argued, would be minimal that way.

That seems like a horrible argument? Really. They didn't go with "Socialize profits, we'll all be rich and happy!" They went with "Socialize losses?" We elected some stupid leaders.

They were right.

WOOHOO!


At least until the bills came due.

I see what you did there.

See, we didn't actually have any of the money we were promising everyone; we were borrowing it.

It didn't take long before so many of our tax dollars were going toward interest payments that we couldn't fund even the most basic of government programs without massive tax increases on everyone. People now work most of the year just to pay Uncle Sam (or, as we now call him, "Comrade Sam").

Free health care, free air travel, free cars, it seems like we did okay by this deal.

I hear the State censors coming, so let me leave you with a few other quick things:

You wrote a lot in half an hour. And you got it time faxed. Seems like things are running pretty efficiently

• Good call on not worrying about protecting our borders. That works out really well for you in 2019.

Is that more future sarcasm? Glenn Beck you are keeping me on my toes.

You might want to spend a little less time worrying about carbon and a little more time worrying about Iran. We're now in a new mini-Ice Age but, believe me, Iran isn't using their nukes to warm any homes. (PS The International Atomic Energy Agency just revealed to you that Iran appears to be refitting their long-range missiles to carry nuclear payloads. Did you think they were joking or were you just too busy with lipsticks and pigs to notice?)

Holy shit. The melting of the ice caps disrupted ocean currents enough to put us in an ice age in just 68 years? I'm not sure stopping worrying about carbon is really the best plan here, especially since we have like 68 years of peace with the Iranian menace, which is about how long it's been from the start of the Cold War to now. So how about we worry about carbon AND Iran and stop worrying about Paris Hilton and Brangelina? Deal?

• The currency of the future is energy.

That seems hard to carry around in a wallet, but on the plus side I guess all that dollar denominated debt is pretty meaningless. So, that's nice.

Those who have it are thriving and those who don't -- well, let's just leave it at that. Drill for all the oil you can, but you also better start seriously looking for some other options.

Which other options worked out? How about some advice?

In closing, remember this golden rule and you should be fine: Your Constitution will never fail you, but your leaders will. Be wary of anyone who tries to convince you that it's the other way around.

Right. We should definitely be wary of all those guys who are anti-constitution. Oh wait. A little late for that.

Best wishes (you're going to need them),

Worker 2744A

PS It's not all socialist doom and gloom here in the future. We just thawed Ted Williams' cryogenically frozen body and he hit 87 home runs for the North Team!

Wow. Way to slip that "Oh yeah, we can bring back the dead" thing in there. Why wasn't your advice "Get yourself cryogenically frozen, IN THE FUTURE WE CAN BRING YOU BACK!" Also, what happened to Ted Williams' head?